Cosmo, Suicide, And The Theory of Relativity

by Dr. Christopher on November 6, 2011

Have you seen the Seinfeld episode where Cosmo Kramer tests drive a car, and he convinces the salesman to see how far they can go on one tank of gas, even past the “E”, Thelma-and-Louise style?

Well, I recently decided to see how far past the “E” I can go.

Last week, I was 45 miles post-“E” light, thinking to myself “I can’t believe how well The Green Hornet (my car) is doing on fumes.”

With my foot on the gas, I feel the car begin to decelerate.  “Oh F***!”

As I’m sitting in my car with the hazard lights waiting for AAA, a couple miles away from work, I begin to curse myself.  “Chris, you F***ing idiot!”

What did I expect?

The Seinfeld episode ends as Kramer and “that other guy” finally lost all gas as they passed the turn in to the car dealership.

The Green Hornet can’t run on guspa (is that a word?) and heart alone.

The embarassing part comes when you have to call your patients at 7:15 in the morning to tell them why I have to cancel their appointments.

“I’m sorry.  I have to cancel our appointment because your doctor was trying to break a record for going past ’empty’.'”

As I do the next stupid thing in my life, I remember to love myself anyway.

I remember that for the past month, I’ve been having these cramps.  I had a prostate infection five years ago.  For a few hours at a time every few days, I’d get these cramps where it would feel like my testicles weighed fifty pounds.  Horrible.  Sorry for that image.

So the urologist gave me a prostate exam and put me on antibiotics.

I immediately decided I’d never get another prostate exam again.  There is a cost-benefit ratio to everything; the prostate exam is not worth it to me.

Recently, the prostate cramps are back.  And my dreams of living to 100, having kids that become the next President of the U.S., Oprah Winfrey, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Gandhi seem to be vanishing.

My thoughts go like this …

Why do I have another prostate infection?  I’m only 27.  Is my prostate my weak link?  Will this prostate vulnerability turn into cancer?  Do I have cancer now?  Will I be dead soon?  If I do have cancer, should I go to see a doctor? What should I do this week if I’m going to die next week?  I’d better cook that ground beef in the fridge!

The spiritual Chris then kicked in and decided, if the world doesn’t want me here, I wouldn’t fight it.  Natural selection weeds out the weak, and if I’m one of them, so be it.

I doubt I could make this decision to not choose medical intervention if it were one of my children, but I can choose it for myself.

I digress.

With heavy testicles and possible prostate cancer on my mind, sitting on the side of the road because of an idiotic choice to not fill up the gas tank is small marbles.  I can live with it and still be happy today.

And when a loved one kills himself to leave the sufferring in this world behind, you learn that the stuff we stress and worry about, really doesn’t matter.  Not even your heavy testicles.  (Sorry again).

Perspective can be refreshing.  It’s all relative.

Once again, I’m going to ask you, if you are suffering in anyway, whether from physical pain, or spiritual torment, please, please, please don’t be alone.  Ask someone for help.  Or ask me.  Please, please, please. 

I feel your pain and I don’t like it.  Let me help.

Dr. Christopher Stepien is a chiropractor, chronic pain specialist, and A.R.T. provider, and clinic director of the Barefoot Rehabilitation Clinic in Morristown, NJ.  He practices out of Guerrilla Fitness: Crossfit Morristown and Crossfit Montclair.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Maverick November 7, 2011 at 5:51 am

Thanks a lot for the video and I learn a lot on this post.It really help to a lot of people specially those who are suffering from cancer..
Maverick recently posted..Practical Tips on How to Treat Cellulite at Home

DK November 7, 2011 at 10:21 am

Hi Chris,

You know I love you and am giving you three choices.

1. You go to the doctor alone

2. I take you to the doctor

3. I check your prostate for you!

The choice is yours, let me know???

Dr. Christopher November 7, 2011 at 10:44 am

Maverick … You are welcome.

DK … Lol. I think the world wants me to reproduce. Haven’t had heaviness in a week. Prostate knew you’d ask #3 and decided to heal ASAP.

becky johnsen November 15, 2011 at 5:13 pm

ha ha ha ha….love that last exchange! So how are your testicles now, Chris? Don’t fool around with this! (hmm….maybe that didn’t come out right!). Seriously, all doctors are not bad. As a matter of fact, I know one at CF Morristown who is great!!!

Dr. Christopher November 15, 2011 at 7:54 pm

BECKY!!! I’m doing better, hardly having cramps so it is ok. Haha. I’m not fooling around. I appreciate you. Oprah, here we come!!

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